Buffering…

These past few days have been a bust. As much as I try to control things in my life, there are always these little details that are out of my grasp that get in the way. So now I find myself at a buffer zone and the looks of my near future are still a blur.

Some deets on my life lately:

• I have been accepted to the Masters program of my choosing and I’m waiting on the results of my chance on a scholarship. That’s the only way I can accept the offer to the program anyway. To be honest, I’m also doubting whether I can really study full-time again. Do I have the grit to study again? I’m a little afraid to go back to school, but at the same time, I know I have wanted this for so long.
• I have a pending employment application that I have to wait results for in May or June. Will I push through it if it did get approved? The good thing about it is SECURITY. I have imagined for that day to come in so many ways. Now that it’s near and so damn possible, I’m not sure if it’s right for me.
• A friend offered to be roommates with me and she wants to move to a new apartment this summer. I have to make a decision quickly, because we need to find a room we can afford together. Moving is such a hassle and I don’t know if I’m ready for a new set-up or higher rent.
• I recently decided to do a diet/fitness lifestyle overhaul and I’m trying my best to keep up to it. I have been making and eating healthy lunches, zero-carb dinners, smoothie breakfasts, taking 5k runs around the city twice a week, and the whole thing is just so tiring! I wonder how people can maintain this on the daily. (I have a serious issue with routine and discipline.)
• Lastly, there is an e-mail lying around my draft folder, with me asking for a salary raise. Due to wanting to get the timing right, it’s been lounging in that folder for two weeks now. I’ve been pushing myself to work harder just to justify my request even though I know that I have deserved it since the beginning of the year. I don’t know when I’ll press send. It’s driving me insane. “Charmaine, grow a backbone. You deserve this,” is my speech every night.

So yup, that’s what’s been happening in my life. There are so many things bogging me down and the stress and anxiety is creeping up slowly. I hate it. I hate dealing with all of this adult stuff. I wish I can go back to being a kid again, when my worst problem was a math homework that my mom can help me answer.

The only thing that makes me happy about this is the achievement after three months of hard work that has got me to where I am now. Truth is, these problems were brought on by my actions that I did out of the desire to have a better life and a better career. Because of my desire of security and stability, I now find myself in a place of endless possibilities. I am proud of what it all led to. Although, I would say that there are days that I still feel lost. I am never 100% sure whether I’m doing the right thing. I just know that doing something will open more doors for me and will take me somewhere at least. After all, actions make half of the dream-chasing. As Ally Macbeal says, “I actually like the quest, the search. That’s the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I’m having a great time and I don’t even know it.“