My Life in a Paragraph

“I feel I am somewhat creative, but somehow I lack the talent to go with it, and being creative without talent is a bit like being a perfectionist and not being able to do anything right.

All my life I’ve always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.

It’s not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now. But if I were truly ambitious, I think I’d already be more than I am now.”

– An excerpt from The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe by Jane Wagner

With a turn of a page, I unexpectedly unearthed a definition of my current state of being. Thank you, universe. At least now, things have been much clearer to me. Now, how to proceed from this…

Smother

I’d like to believe that I wasn’t made to live for frustrating days like these. But what is life without hopelessness, anxiety, stress, failure, evil?

I love Daughter for hugging my heart that needs rescuing. I’m just pretty tired today. Tired of life and all the shit it came with. I wish I get amnesia in my dreams and wake up remembering nothing from this night. It’s that bad.

Is anybody there?

Sometimes I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by people who love me. Recently, it has been difficult to find people who share my wavelength. Some days when I’m home, I have this yearning to talk about philosophy, my dreams, love, God, humanity in such a way that my family won’t understand. I feel this vast space between me and the people who can’t swim deeper enough to reach the place where I’m in. I don’t know if these people are plain shallow or I’m just really demanding.

No, I’m neither depressed nor suicidal. But I have these thoughts which I can’t seem to share to anyone for the fear of being taken as irrelevant or incomprehensible. They take all my energy much more than my 3-mile walking that it makes me miserable.

Sometimes the presence of people is hardly enough. I crave for connection. I have this growing need to empty, spill, and transfer these emotions brimming inside me. I need someone to be my flask. A receiver. Or a wall whom I can bounce back thoughts to, who can try dilute my poisoned waters.  I need someone who can complain to God, complain about the society with me. Is anybody there?

Slap

“I know I’m sleeping, ’cause this dream’s too amazing.”
– Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, 40-Day Dream