It took courage.

Hooray! I just survived my first week of grad school. I still honestly can’t believe it. I am now a graduate student! First one in my family, my goodness! I just announced it on Facebook, and yes, that makes it official. And yes, I am claiming full responsibility. People just don’t know the amount of work it takes to apply to grad school, and more so if you are an international student. Getting into a Master’s program in New York University (NYU) is the first big hurdle that I conquered and I would consider a success. I’m still sliding into a routine and I am honestly surprised that it is gelling with me nicely. I mean, a full-time job, a weekend job, and part-time graduate school. HELLO! I’M A SUPERHERO at this point. It’s really all about time management, I’m seriously getting that now. (And I just had a fun time out last night, don’t count my social life out lol)

I am truly overwhelmed with all the support. I’m getting super scared and anxious to be imagining the challenge of finishing this and the arduous task of finding a job after this. With everything, I believe God put me in this position because He knows I will thrive in it. He will not leave my side and will hustle with me all the way. I am 110% nervous on this journey and I am because of everything (my whole life) that is riding on this. But at the same time, in my heart of hearts, there is not a tinge of hesitation. I know that this is right for me. No question of a doubt. I see a path. I see a future expanding right before my eyes. And I’m so ready to put in the hard work.

I finally did it. I JUMPED. Oh, what courage!

Buffering…

These past few days have been a bust. As much as I try to control things in my life, there are always these little details that are out of my grasp that get in the way. So now I find myself at a buffer zone and the looks of my near future are still a blur.

Some deets on my life lately:

• I have been accepted to the Masters program of my choosing and I’m waiting on the results of my chance on a scholarship. That’s the only way I can accept the offer to the program anyway. To be honest, I’m also doubting whether I can really study full-time again. Do I have the grit to study again? I’m a little afraid to go back to school, but at the same time, I know I have wanted this for so long.
• I have a pending employment application that I have to wait results for in May or June. Will I push through it if it did get approved? The good thing about it is SECURITY. I have imagined for that day to come in so many ways. Now that it’s near and so damn possible, I’m not sure if it’s right for me.
• A friend offered to be roommates with me and she wants to move to a new apartment this summer. I have to make a decision quickly, because we need to find a room we can afford together. Moving is such a hassle and I don’t know if I’m ready for a new set-up or higher rent.
• I recently decided to do a diet/fitness lifestyle overhaul and I’m trying my best to keep up to it. I have been making and eating healthy lunches, zero-carb dinners, smoothie breakfasts, taking 5k runs around the city twice a week, and the whole thing is just so tiring! I wonder how people can maintain this on the daily. (I have a serious issue with routine and discipline.)
• Lastly, there is an e-mail lying around my draft folder, with me asking for a salary raise. Due to wanting to get the timing right, it’s been lounging in that folder for two weeks now. I’ve been pushing myself to work harder just to justify my request even though I know that I have deserved it since the beginning of the year. I don’t know when I’ll press send. It’s driving me insane. “Charmaine, grow a backbone. You deserve this,” is my speech every night.

So yup, that’s what’s been happening in my life. There are so many things bogging me down and the stress and anxiety is creeping up slowly. I hate it. I hate dealing with all of this adult stuff. I wish I can go back to being a kid again, when my worst problem was a math homework that my mom can help me answer.

The only thing that makes me happy about this is the achievement after three months of hard work that has got me to where I am now. Truth is, these problems were brought on by my actions that I did out of the desire to have a better life and a better career. Because of my desire of security and stability, I now find myself in a place of endless possibilities. I am proud of what it all led to. Although, I would say that there are days that I still feel lost. I am never 100% sure whether I’m doing the right thing. I just know that doing something will open more doors for me and will take me somewhere at least. After all, actions make half of the dream-chasing. As Ally Macbeal says, “I actually like the quest, the search. That’s the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I’m having a great time and I don’t even know it.“

Things you don’t normally say, but would want to.

Sometimes I get really tired pretending that all of this matters. I’m tired being nice. Being responsible. Being so god damn in control. I just want to one day not show up at work because I don’t care anymore. Fire me, I don’t care. I don’t care about the money. I don’t care about the papers. I don’t care about being in this god damn country. I’m so tired worrying about the future. These long-term plans people are always asking about. Fuck you all, I’m done with this shit — feeling shit. I don’t care anymore. I want to do something out of character. I want to leave without notice and live a life where I’d eat breakfast food everyday all day away from everyone who knows me. I’m so tired being there for people. I’m so tired pretending that I care about people’s problems, people’s losses, people’s woes and fears. I’m done with all of your shit. Fuck all of these possessions. I don’t need all of these material things. Just give me a big black plastic bag and I’d fill it with everything I own and throw it away. I have so much stuff. So much clutter that takes up so much space. I don’t need all of this. I don’t need all of you. I didn’t care to live this long to be this dissatisfied. I am so tired being responsible. I am so tired living by the rules. I want to be mad. I want to shout at people who piss me off. I want to tell people off when they’re god damn annoying. I want to live without filter. I want to say what I want, I don’t care if I offend anybody. I want to lose control. Because I’m fucking tired. I am so tired worrying about life. This life that has sucked all the energy out of me. I have no more motivation. I have no purpose. I’m just done. I am done and I don’t want to live this goddamn shit show of a life whose audience I’m impressing I don’t even care about. I am done.

Snooze

7:15

Wakey wakey! Today is a beautiful day.

7:30

Take over the world!

7:45

A new day, new hope, new motivation!

8:00

Ready for the open door!

8:15

Get up & shake ye tailfeather!

8:30

C’mon get your ass up. Get up!! Get up!! Get up!!

8:45

MUST. WAKE. UP.

9:00

Your body is telling you no, but YOUR MIND IS TELLING YOU YES.

9:15

There’s still hope.

9:30

You have no choice!!

9:45

Really?? Ugh what the hell

Regular Day

She did her laundry that day. It was a Tuesday night and there were less than ten people in the laundromat. While she watched the machine whir, her clothes going round and round inside, she heard her stomach made its own whir. She hasn’t had proper lunch that day because of all the demanding tasks and demanding people that wanted her attention, including the impending doom of what might be the results of her CAT scan on Saturday. Her mom left her a voicemail of worry, asking her to call back and discuss what the doctor said. For days, she has nursed a craving for a ramen in a cup. That was what she slurped in the tiny window of her lunch break around 2 o’ clock. The soup was a good blazing hot, much needed for the cold outside and the cold brewing her insides.

While waiting for her clothes to finish in the washer, she crossed the street to the supermarket. She was lured by every counter, every aisle, everything junk and not. She grabbed a basket and threw in a jar of peaches, a bottle of honey-roasted peanuts, a bag of imported pork cracklings, Oscar Meyer hotdogs, and the essential milk and eggs. Even the dollar-bag gummy worms beside the cashier counter did not escape her sight. She put it all in the basket and paid $30 for that impulsive trip. People say don’t go grocery-shopping with an empty stomach, but she probably knows that already. She was in her own hungry world to give a crap.

She threw all her dry and clean clothes in the Bed, Bath, & Beyond plastic bag, which she turned into her official laundry bag. She put three weeks worth of clean clothes in her trolley and pulled it onto the sidewalk. Pulling the rack of clothes on one hand and carrying the bag of groceries on the other, she walked an uphill battle back home with the cold winter wind blowing in her face. Inside her head, she was hoping the eggs wouldn’t drop and break. Those were organic cage-free eggs and it would have been a sad waste.

All she could think of was what she would eat first when she reached home. She took a handful of peanuts and started munching away. Mrs. Norma called her for dinner. They were having steamed shrimp. She wasted no time, took a bowl of rice, and grabbed a handful from the bowl of shrimp. She went for a second serving of steamed rice. She wasted no shrimp parts. How hungry could she be?

After dinner, she decided to finish off with peaches for dessert, made green tea and poured milk on it. She was still in the mood to eat some more, so she opened the bag of gummy worms. Something was messing with her appetite tonight.

She was all kinds of a mess the whole day. Feeling happy one minute and sad the next. Feeling excited one minute, depressed the next. She was hungry and tired and nothing could have shaken all of those weird feelings. That was what a regular day in her week looked like, a day that has become a regular part of her life and it was inescapable.