Discard and carry on.

 

Over the weekend, I bid adieu to some of my things. I cleaned up the mess that is my room. Thanks to my BIG TIDYING PROJECT that I did successfully with the help of Ann Mari Kondo, author of ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’ and creator of the famous Konmari method of decluttering. The Konmari method starts with discarding things first then sorting them out. Ann Mari’s number one rule in deciding whether to discard something or not is to ask yourself, “Does it spark joy in you“? If after that question, you still find yourself going back and forth, she gave this wonderful tip.

To truly cherish the things that are important to you, you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose.

And so I did. I started with things and by the end of the night, I found myself reflecting on my relationships with people as well. It was necessary to say goodbye to some of them.

  • To my lime-green dress. It was the dress my mom gave me as a gift when she found out I’d be doing an internship in Washington D.C. It was also the dress that caused a scene when I wore it to a “wear a red or green” Christmas party at work. It was green to me! But I got flak for it because everyone said it wasn’t Christmas green. I think I have graduated from using this dress.
  • To my snakeskin printed top. It was my always reliable office top. I had a huge crush on this guy that I see at work. For some reason, on the days that I see him I was always wearing this top and it annoyed me because I didn’t want him to think that this is the only top I own. This memory makes me smile. Now I can let it go.
  • To my bright red cardigan that my godmother gave me last Christmas. Even though I hate its shade of red, I wore it a few more times than I wanted to because I wanted to love it. Every time I wear it, I always hope that my feelings would change. But it never does. I realized that you can’t force love. I had to give it to someone who will love it for what it is.
  • To the hoodie/sweatshirt that my dad gave me last Christmas. I wasn’t too excited receiving it. It wasn’t me at all to wear something like that, but my mom and dad liked it for me and so I pretended I liked it and considered wearing it. One year later, I still haven’t worn it. I realized you can’t force yourself to be someone you are not. It had to go.
  • To my Nike black and pink rubber shoes. My first (and for a time being, the only) rubber shoes I had after moving here in the U.S. I had so many memories with these shoes. I wore it almost everyday for more than a year while I worked as a cashier and waitress at a Japanese-Chinese restaurant. I owe those shoes for taking care of me and supporting me in my most stressful and exhausting days. One time I spilled a container of gyoza sauce on it, I considered retiring them. But I didn’t because I loved wearing them. While I was putting it in the garbage bag, I tried my best not to cry being reminded of everything I’ve gone through with them shoes.
  • To that Nicholas Sparks book that isn’t the best I read of him but I finished. Bye.
  • To Lena Dunham’s book that I tried my best to finish, but I really couldn’t no matter how much I love her. Bye.
  • To those Nylon magazines that I promised to read when I get the time. I have never found the time. Bye.
  • To T, who I’ve known for a month now. He taught me that I shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with guys. That I should lose my fear of rejection. That if they don’t respect what I want, then they don’t deserve me. When I met him the first time I was so head over heels giddy of what I thought I felt for him, that I had a self-transformation. Because of what he made me feel, I realized that I like myself when I’m in love. I want to be that kind of inspired all the time. T and I just didn’t click as I’d hoped. I think this is the end for us. Thank you and goodbye.
  • To R, who I met on a whim. He taught me what magical chemistry and connection felt like. What it felt like to meet someone for the first time yet connect like we have been friends forever. He made me realize that perfect moments exist, but that it doesn’t mean we are perfect for each other. And that’s alright. Some things are better left in the moment and I am happy that we had what we shared. Thank you and goodbye.

As I said goodbye to all those things, I felt as if I have welcomed a new me. It feels great to recognize those things that I actually really need and keep only those that matter.

It felt good letting go of what didn’t serve me anymore and pass them back on to the universe. I felt free and I think I just won my true self back. Discard and carry on.

Cross the damn road.

One step forward, two steps back. That seems to be the pattern my life is in right now. One day I am so enthusiastic and filled with optimism, picking myself up from a fall. Then two days later I wake up falling back to day one, all the progress I made has spiraled down overnight. It makes me feel that everything I do only sets me up for a bigger failure. Seriously, it is a tiring pattern to be in and it is hard not to lose patience.

My breaking point happened one afternoon when I went out for a run with my dad. It just hit me — the why am I here, what am I doing with my life questions. The worst existential kind. I tried to run as fast as I could to divert my attention to the building weight in my lungs as I go faster or the hitting of my feet to the ground. I tried to run fast as an attempt to empty my head but it did nothing. My dad tried to talk to me and ask me what’s happening, but I don’t know how to answer him. With my head throbbing, I decided to shut him out. I shut my mom out too when she tried to do the same. When I went to take a shower, that was when I burst. I lost it and sank to the bathroom floor, crying all my misery and frustration to the poor bathroom tiles.

And then I realized what I thought the problem was:

  • I lost the control to my life when I moved. My parents gave me the steps to take, the choices to make that I felt like I lost the say on my own life. Suddenly, everyone had a damn thing to say about my life. My relatives, my parents’ friends, my friends. I don’t know how everyone suddenly had control, except for me.
  • I lost the comfort of being with my friends. Yes, Mindy, everyone is hanging out without me back at home.
  • I lost my idea of what I want for my life, no clear path, no clear destination. Blank. Question mark question mark.
  • I lost the life I loved… and I was devastated because I kind of want it back. I don’t know, I’m not sure.

~

But the real problem is, I just can’t let go. I can’t let go of my old comfortable life, which is why I can’t look at the present and the future and all the possibilities it holds. I’m not even trying. I just keep on running away from it, scuttling to my rut and pretending like things haven’t taken a 360 degree turn. I keep on running to the past because it’s a safe place, a comfort zone. At present, all I have is fear and uncertainty and I don’t want it.

I am the problem. Even if I didn’t move across continents, people would have still moved on with their lives so I should just accept it. Accept that a huge change is going to happen anyway. People were meant to move on and lives were supposed to change and I couldn’t have done anything about it.

I am stuck because I refuse to move on. I can’t cross the road because I don’t want to. I can’t cross the road because I am afraid of what I’ll miss if I do. Damn it, even the chicken had the courage to cross the road.

So let go, Cha! Let go of the past. Let go of your fears. You should let go. Stop resisting and accept the possibilities in front of you. With an open mind. With unyielding courage. With hope of an exciting new life. Then, you can move on. Cross the damn road.

Let it go.

It sucks to be blindsided by luck. You expect things to go the way as planned, but in one snap of a finger what used to be there is lost and what you believed was true suddenly turns into a lie. Even if you worked hard and pulled all your best efforts to protect your interest, you have to give in to the fact that there are forces in this world that will push and go against you, which will make you lose in the end. Accept it, you will never have full control of events in your life. Imperfections exist and evil does happen. So before it ruins you, just let it go. Let it fucking go. Just remember that there are battles in life which wouldn’t matter if you come out of it as loser or winner, as long as you come out of it alive — smarter and a better fighter.