Looking at the mirror, my face has lost its edges. It has become rounder, just like my belly which day by day continues to protrude even more from under my rib cage. The vacation has grown comfortably on me. As a matter of fact, too comfortable that I need to end it soon or else I’d wake up looking like the present Kim Kardashian and sit on myself while I’m at it. It’s not funny.
Lately, I’ve been sleeping really late. Late in the form of six in the morning because I am getting addicted to reading contemporary young adult fiction I found on Goodreads (Slammed by Colleen Hoover is good! But if you want more lust, there is On Dublin Street by Samantha Young). I’ve been gobbling up books like I haven’t read in a decade, because that is actually how I feel. Staying up late, reading young adult romance novels while Mumford & Sons sing on the background, and eating Twix and Haribo non-stop, it only explains the zits on my face the next day. Did I just get dumped by a non-existent boyfriend? No! But my current lifestyle feels like I’ve been. Today, I ate two plates of spicy tuna spaghetti for lunch and minutes later opened a bag of fried onion rings and ate it all. Mind you, I’m not even on that time of the month. Seriously, I’m getting scared I might be reaching rock bottom.
This is the problem when you have so much time in your hands, in my case too much reminders of the future which I try to evade, you tend to fall back on unhealthy distractions. You fall in a rut and you don’t notice it until you turn into an elephant or someone who gets sick when he sees sunlight.
My dad is sending me constant e-mails on where to find a job. My mom is already warning me of the chores waiting for me at home. Even if I’m on a vacation, I feel that they’re already trapping me with a life that I am not yet ready to swim into. So what do I do? I let myself drag my ass into a rut. Now I’m an elephant and I can’t stand the sunlight.
Oh it gets harder everyday because I know that I have to be responsible soon and I’m scared of things that I can’t control, of rejections, of failures, of not being good enough, of being too young, of being too inexperienced. There is so much to fear about the future and I know it’s going to kiss me in my face soon. But I’m still here, sitting ugly in my rut even if I don’t like what I see in the mirror.
But don’t you worry, child. I’m getting out of it soon.
Really.
Hopefully.
After I finish this bag of Doritos.
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