I want to go home.

The traveling I have done in the past month has been an amazing gift. It has given me so much ecstasy and joy. But as I move to the second month of my vacation, things are taking a turn. Seriously, I am so tired of moving. I just want to lay my luggages down, take all my clothes out and finally put it in a closet that I call mine. I just want to lie in a bed which is not suit for a guest, but a bed that is mine. I want to drink morning coffee from my own cup. I want to sit on the sofa, in front of the TV, and stay there the whole day without thinking about the time I’m wasting, time that could have been spent better outside sitting on London’s beautiful parks. Why am I having a difficult time liking it here? I try so hard to appreciate all the beautiful landscapes, buildings, streets that I feel bad because London is such a lovely city. Maybe the timing isn’t right. I’m just so tired from all the traveling. Seeing new places has bored me, that I just want to go home.

But where is home?

What Now?

Disclaimer: This post is my first Tag-lish post in a long long while. I actually think I’d have special posts like these. It makes me feel free and takes me back to my roots. Maybe I’d have posts in pure Filipino as well. Ang sarap lang talagang magsulat sa sariling wika. ; )

Okay. So I’m almost there in that stage in life where you just stare point-blank and ask “What now?”. Last time I checked, there are only 17 days left before my academic worries leave me for good. SEVENTEEN DAYS. I am truly feeling overwhelmed and can sense a bursting of the tearducts. I just can’t believe that SEVENTEEN YEARS of schooling has come down to this. All the hardships, the sacrifices, the hell weeks, the good times, the achievements, the friendships, I can go on, will finally reach a climax or a tipping point of some kind. I can’t even piece together what I feel right now. May kagat sa puso ‘tong mga paparating na kaganapan sa buhay ko.

Talking about what happens after graduation is run-of-the-mill these days. Kapag napag-usapan na ang lahat ng dapat pag-usapan, itong topic talaga na ‘to ang bagsakan. Of course it’s hard to keep this conversation going without feeling a tad bit emotional. Yes, raw emotions are pretty scary to let loose on a Tuesday afternoon! Anyway, my friends would always veer to other trivial topics like “what do I eat for lunch today?” or “what level in Flow Free are you in now?”, but the reality behind those segues are feelings better left settled in that dark corner of the heart. Darating yung feeling na parang hindi pa ito ang tamang araw. Ibitin natin ng konti at tipong sa graduation day na tayo mag-iyakan.

I always ask my friends to imagine that day — that day ng last final orals mo ever sa Philo and Theo, last finals exam mo ever sa Finance or Accounting, or last paper/thesis defense mo ever. What I’ll do first is breathe that first breath of ready-for-graduation air. Pero siyempre nandun yung ‘Oh shit, what the hell just happened???’. If my four years in college will suddenly flash back before my eyes, I would definitely vomit. Parang pumikit lang ako ng sandali, pagmulat ko biglang mas ganap na kong tao (oh yes!). Or parang isang madramang panaginip lang ang lahat nang lumipas. You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and realize what a bad-ass dream you just had and you are divided into wanting to go back to sleep and continue the dream and wanting to go forth in the world and live the reality. It will feel surreal and I would just want to cry right then and there for being proud of such an achievement, at the same time sad for what’s about to abound.

That phenomenal question throws itself in my face always in an imperfect timing, “What now, Cha?” Ako naman parang, ‘Wait lang ha!!! Agad agad??’ Even though I have a lot of plans already set out for the next month, I am still confused on what to do first. The main theme is I’ll be preparing for “the flight”– ready myself for traveling, learning, gaining new friends and experiences here and there. It’s an understatement that I am so excited for what’s next to happen in my life, but of course, I also think about the comfortable life I am going to leave for a new adventure I’ll be taking in a different landscape and environment. I look forward to my travels the most. I just want to celebrate my freedom in a really pretty place like Europe. Running after my dreams talaga ang peg ko after grad. Susyal! Yun muna ang focus. Sa susunod na yang employment na yan. My career can wait, my soul couldn’t. ; )

It’s really not that hard to believe but I also have a plan na perfect bum lang ang mission in life. I want to go on hibernation mode for a while, for about two months maybe. I plan to devour all the books that I can, books that I should have devoured but didn’t have the time to. While I’m on it, I’d maybe make book reports on all of them (e ganun talaga pag lahat ng time mo free time!) and contain it in a book blog or something. (Shut up, your opinion doesn’t matter.) I don’t think I’m passing on a perfect opportunity to get a job or start a career by bumming months after grad. I really dream to make a living off of writing anyway. But before you reprove, I am aware of the impoverished life that awaits me if I take that path. I just really want to start living by this advice I saw on the internet saying, “You have to read much to write much”. That, my friends, will be my mantra around June-July.

Actually, scratch that! I don’t really want to make concrete plans as of yet. I just want to be spontaneous for now and I’ll see where the winds would take me. I am filled with so much energy just thinking about all of these things in the future, that if I have diverted all this energy to my last academic requirements I could have finished all of them already.

What now? I guess I would have to secure first that I’m going to get past my last SEVENTEEN DAYS alive. That is what’s for now. : )